While speaking with a close friend, I couldn’t put my finger on a specific reason behind my emotional turbulence. In this past week, I had a day where I emotionally shut down. I left work at 9 a.m., crying, and continued to cry in bed (still in my work clothes) until about noon, with smaller crying spells into the early evening. A couple of days later, I felt extreme anger and frustration. I spoke to strangers and about other people in ways that do not represent who I am. Yesterday I felt nothing at at. Today? Peace. Joy. Contentment.
This is the healing process. This is me healing through my mother’s passing and the stress of her diagnosis in early 2019. Through years before that, making myself sick over what others thought of me. Through treating my body like a dumpster and talking to myself like there is something inherently wrong with me. Through pushing my body to the limits in my early 30’s and acknowledging [today, in my late 30’s] that I really hate conventional exercise and today’s diet culture. Through over-caffeination, late nights, and too much alcohol. Through allowing others to treat me poorly and disrespectfully because I thought any attention was better than none at all. Through the parenting I received and prejudices ingrained in me that are not useful. Through things I have said to others that served no purpose other than to inflame and cause harm.
Although the lows are…low and difficult…without them, there would be no comparison with the highs. I think that’s why there are so many damned articles about how healing IS messy. Without the “mess”, we have nothing to compare to the “clean”. If I wasn’t feeling so many emotions with such intensity, I wouldn’t be considering how I can overcome the obstacles or being present in what I was feeling in the moment.
My healing is a roll of the dice every day for me. To others, it may look like unanswered calls and texts; a sudden disinterested in maintaining a relationship. My healing requires keeping more to myself because I am easily overwhelmed. I am changing my participation level in the busy and distracting world we live in.
As for my distaste of exercise – I spent too many years harping that a certain style was superior than the others. I spent too much time selling and not enough time listening, watching, and learning. I have and still use physical activity as a way to help manage my anxiety levels but I am saying it now, out loud and with conviction, that if I not enjoy the activity, I will not do it. Because consistency is so important, I will not reach my fitness goals if I hate the exercise enough to not be consistent with it.
With that being said and out of the way, I am not holding myself to my 2x a week resistance band training with cardio peppered in. At this point in my life, getting my brain on to a healthier path is my main priority. I am starting from the inside and then will move to the outside. I don’t want to feel like a fitness routine has to be a “go hard or go home!” type thing. I will continue the cardio movements I enjoy (which is primarily outdoor bike riding and the Peloton nature rides when the weather isn’t cooperating) but I am adding yoga to reduce stress, and removing the strength training. I signed up for a yoga course through Peloton and am looking forward to the 20-30 slow, mindful movements. And that’s how I know it is the right thing to do – I am happily anticipating the classes instead of trying to find ways to avoid it. See? Listening more. Healing is meant to change, if only we do not fight it.